@bridger_w: "Oh, are you driving?" -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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@MrGeorgeWallace: Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
@AlexvanBeek: You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you. But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn't. Twitter's hard. Get a helmet.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie 911 Operator: No, he'd have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm. Me: Thank you! Operator: That’s what we're here for.