“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.