“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.