@HeyJennyConway: Oh baby, were not going to need a 'do not disturb' sign. We're going to need a 'please don't call the police were fine' sign.
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@Tmoney68: BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
@aka_fatman: "I tell you, this car runs like a dream!" I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
@seanyeatts: Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is "Squirty"