Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
so i’m at the stock market right
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.