[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.