Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house