Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
You Might Also Like
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Not today. 😅
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car