@seandunn76: "Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women," I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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@Carbosly: Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes? This is God thanking them for bacon.
@Okeating: I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith.
@RadBadger: Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
@KateWhineHall: I'm eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it's six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I'm still better than you.