“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.