@seandunn76: "Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women," I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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@baconacid: "weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
@daemonic3: [waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey! "What'll it be?" [out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I'm vegan
@TheMichaelRock: I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.
@TheWoodenslurpy: Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?