@seandunn76: "Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women," I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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@panmidwest: ME: i love you HER: i love you too ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
@JoshVeyssi: McDonalds should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.
@BlindVigil: Q: "How long were you at your last job?" A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"