@seandunn76: "Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women," I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@ArfMeasures: ME [Puts up "Have u seen my dog?" posters across town] HER: Oh no! You've lost your dog! M: No I just think u should see him. He's awesome
@AskAuntieEm1: I can't seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don't need their assistance in the bathroom.
@ibid78: [financial advisor] based on your income and savings you can retire at age 116 [me] *slips her $100* let's make it 112 [her] now it's 120