“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?