You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
💻🤡
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures