oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
dude it’s called proctologist
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I weigh at least 17 squirrels