Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
knights of the ikea table
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.