@JediGigi: Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

@Elizasoul80: Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@atanenhaus: Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

@better_off_dad: *looks up at lightbulb ‘Stupid moth’ *looks back at phone

@iwearaonesie: 9*picking his nose* wife:Get your finger out of your nose! me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?