Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
You Might Also Like
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
🤣🤣🤣
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets