Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
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has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
when u come home smelling like another dog
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.