[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
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If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me too door. Me too.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”