7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*