Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Google Pay be like:
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.