@prodigalsam: "Oh great. Another puppy." - Sarah McLachlan's friends at Christmas
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@Marlebean: I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.
@seamusmckracken: Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
@AtticusFinch79: [waking up from a nightmare] Him: Was it the one about zombies again? Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes