All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.