@prodigalsam: "Oh great. Another puppy." - Sarah McLachlan's friends at Christmas
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@naughtygeisha3: Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend's cat or dog it's like all the appreciation goes out the window.
@reallyshitpost: DOCTOR: I have bad news MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
@GloriaFallon123: You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
@daniel_shaw: Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they're all like "we need to talk."