@prodigalsam: "Oh great. Another puppy." - Sarah McLachlan's friends at Christmas
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@withanewname: "SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?" -- "SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!" -- "SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?" -- Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."
@withanewname: "Yes mam that'll be $1200" "Just to remove a cassette tape that's stuck?" "Ma'm, it's in your CD player"
@wickedsuga: Kim on FB needs help deciding if the snot in her kid's nose is from allergies or not. His Dr. says yes, but she really needs your opinion.
@RadOrDie: Give the chick a break. Kristen Stewart TOTALLY looks sorry. Or happy. Or sad. Or constipated.