Driving in Europe vs Canada
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
What flavor cupcake are these
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish