Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
she has a point
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.