Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
You Might Also Like
😎 🍻
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
When you pick your nose after dusting the house