“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Wikigenius
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.