Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
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[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.