@iGreenMonk: "Oh, hey! I didn't even recognize you!" means "I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are."
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@kibblesmith: The genie sang that whole song about how he's gonna be Aladdin's best friend ever right in front of the monkey
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said "vase" wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
@Carbosly: When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think "wow, whoever sat here was very thin".
@causticbob: Someone recently asked me, "What blood type are you?".. I said , "The red runny type".