“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Mountain Goat : )
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.