“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.