Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,