Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?