Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
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Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.