Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans