*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
🤣✨#caturday
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon