*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
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imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.