Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.