Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
You Might Also Like
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious