Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Cool shirt 🙂
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box