Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
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Not even remotely sorry.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.