“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Was it something I said?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“OMGJK” -atheists
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*