oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
God has abandoned us.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m good, thanks.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
“You’d better run, egg!”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.