‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
cats when you pet them too long:
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.