Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
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Coffee is ready.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Sending in my taxes