I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.