HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Krampus.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit