Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”