You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.