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@Home_Halfway: "Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?" - People
@Molly_Kats: Hey, people "liking" Walmart on Facebook - you OK?
@AthenaMystique: Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I'm even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.
@juneohara65: I bought a designer body bag and now I'm scared to gain weight.
@TheToddWilliams: Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh...I mean never. I never floss.
@jwoodham: What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.