“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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when nothing goes right… go left
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
need him
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.