@Home_Halfway: "Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?" - People
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@gruffybeard: Her: Why's the couch smell like pee? [Flashback to me watching The Ring alone] Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."
@KentWGraham: ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
@DillDoes: *secret agent slaps me* I'll never give you answers *he grabs my throat* "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA" *spits* I'd rather die