@adrienneMTK: "Oh, look! She's drinking vodka, let's kill her!" - Spiral staircases
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@garrydavenport: My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
@murderbytweets: In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.
@armyVet1972: Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm…you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now
@Eightinchgoat: When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!"