“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days