My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
We found love in a hopeless place.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer