Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?