@BuckyIsotope: Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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@MorganJ7: I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating.
@SardonicTart: [Friend who gave birth a week ago] "I'm on the treadmill!" [Me who gave birth 18 years ago] "My tailbone still hurts"
@Social_Mime: Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?
@EndhooS: interviewer: what can u bring to the firm me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles] interviewer: I meant like clients me: [removes cactus]