@BuckyIsotope: Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
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@clemdytan: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
@SirEviscerate: Your date leans in and whispers "I'm not wearing panties." You shiver. She continues: "I pooped a little and had to throw them away."
@theyearofelan: Don't be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they'll spend more time manually checking your updates