Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.