@jordan_stratton: Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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@fuzzlime: I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don't both know this is a goddamn race
@SufficientCharm: The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
@TomTheWicked: *puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
@GrantTanaka: Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like "chemotherapy, dude" & I was like, "whatever, racist" cause sometimes you gotta take a stand