Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, âPoloâ in unison after they called your name.
Me: I donât think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My dryer is celebrating lint.
[before nap]
Iâll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now itâs way too late to do anything
My dad, a Canadian: âI canât believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holidayâ
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
ChatGPTâs primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-lawsâ.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
âThatâs a terrible idea!â she says. âThey shouldnât be reading while theyâre driving!â
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
the things my dad sends my mom đđ
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonaldâs and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Why Iâm starting to hate TwitterâŚ
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Iâm just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesnât correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores