“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.