“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good